From My Husband: If This Text Goes Through, I Love YouThe Day I Realized Im Not OK
We played phone tag for hours and then he texted me a text I hope no one ever has to receive from someone they love and miss: Still not working. Phones going to die. If this goes through, I love you.
By Molly Morgan Tolar
Today Ive been weak. Its been the definition of one of those days. Ive had ups, downs, side blinders and zig zaggies. Things that have probably bothered me for months have finally caught up to me, and I was ill prepared for their inevitable collision.
This afternoon I spent several hours at my in-laws house wiping up dog vomit from my weak stomached Goldendoodle and scrubbing the walls free of my brindle labs blood splatters from a tail wound she wont let heal. Theyre both exhausted and anxious, tired of staying in a home that isnt theirs and missing their daddy something fierce. I want to get them home so badly, staying in Knoxville during this deployment has been so hard on them. They need their routine, their yard, their life back.
While Im deep in that elbow grease, I receive a text from my husband that they have had a power outage on his base and the wifi isnt working well.
In a moment when I needed to speak to my companion more than anything, I couldnt. And it feels wrong. I collapsed onto the couch, my dogs laid each of their heads in my lap, and the impulse to cry hit me like a trainbut no tears came. I couldnt cry. Is it being a mom now, I have acquired this need to stay strong despite all things colliding at once? Some kind of strange strength that is tapped into when you have a child, to protect them and yourself from unnecessary emotional interruption? I dont know.
Sitting there, I just pet my babies and breathed in and out. The moment I felt like I got a handle of the moment, I received a second text from my mother, saying my daughter was awake from her nap and crying and I needed to come and nurse her. Responsibility is following me everywhere I go, I cant escape it. I want to find some closet somewhere and just sit alone in the darkness, imagining myself void of all responsibilities and tasks. Just breathe and be. Just for a minute.
Photo: Queen Lionheart
Because today just took me. I got lost in it. Its not the hardest day Ive ever had, by any means. But Im stressing. I miss my husband. I miss his help. I miss his positivity and light. I miss being able to vent all these things to him. Because even though I do get to talk to him sometimes, theres always a chance the wifi will go out, or hell get called off to work on something, or theyll shift his flight hours and we wont get to talk that day.
We have less than two weeks left of this, and I cant help but feel disappointed in myself for not keeping it together. I was so determined to stay OK while he was gone. Because logic tells me that I have to learn to be fine even if hes not here, because reality is, he wont be here all the time in the future. I have to learn to cope and thrive, regardless of whether hes here to help me or not. But Im not OK, Im not thriving. Im mad. Im bitter. Im lonely. Im failing, in my eyes.
Saying all this, I know I need to give myself grace for today, and all my hard days. But for today, while Im still feeling this, I have to acknowledge this feeling for what it is in this moment. It sucks. I dont ever want to get a text like that from my husband ever again.
**This post originally appeared on QueenLionheart.
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